Your Girl - Chapter One

I Am Mother; Hear Me Roar!

Unfortunately, teen fashion magazines, which are targeted to young impressionable thirteen- to seventeen-year-old girls, are not much better. Examples of subtitles are: “Be a Guy Magnet,” “Make the First Move . . . P.S. He’s Waiting,” “Get That Guy! How to Give the ‘Look of Love’ Plus Three Other Tricks That’ll Have Him Dying to Get Close to You,” “Twenty-two Jeans That Scream ‘Nice Butt!’” Or how about these: “Swimsuits That’ll Make Him Say, ‘Hel-lo!’” or “Kiss Him! How to Make the First Move.” Another one is, “Best Bottoms for Your Butt: Tops That Tease and Please.” Tease and please whom? No doubt, the magazines are a dream-come-true for every teenage boy in America with raging hormones.

Suffice it to say, I’m fed up with the negative influences of our culture on women. The magazines, however, are only part of the problem. Add television, movies, and music, and our daughters are bombarded with smut from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed. As someone who is in the trenches of ministry to preteen and teen girls, not to mention their mothers, I am witnessing firsthand the devastating consequences our provocative culture is having on women, both young and old.

I recall one devastated mother at a conference at which I spoke. She sobbed on my shoulder as she shared about a sleepover that her middle school daughter had attended. The popular group of boys had called the girls in the middle of the night. Nothing different from the middle school sleepovers of my day, I initially thought. Unfortunately, these boys had been surfing porn sites prior to calling the girls, and they wanted to try out their new knowledge of “phone sex.” Not your average sleepover from my day. One at a time, the boys described in graphic detail what they would do to each girl, if ever given the opportunity. Don’t think something like this cannot happen to your daughter. These were “church kids.”

If this wasn’t the final straw that led me to write this book, it may have been when Abercrombie and Fitch released a new line of thong underwear targeted at young girls, ages seven to fourteen. Printed on the front were messages like “eye candy” and “wink wink.” Or, the last straw may have been the tank top I spotted while out shopping for my daughter, bearing the logo, “Made to tease . . . A cheap thrill product.” It was a tiny size 7. No doubt, every pedophile’s dream-come-true. Regardless of what the last straw was, I’ve had enough, and I’m willing to bet you have too. Clearly, you are a concerned and caring mother or you would not have picked up this book.

For those of us who are committed to raising our daughters to be godly, virtuous young women, we have a daunting task before us. My generation was subjected to its share of negative messages, but nothing that compares to the constant barrage of negative messages our daughters endure today at the hands of television, movies, music, magazines, and the Internet. The negative messages in my day tended to come at the hands of a few groups that constituted the minority voice. Unfortunately, many of the groups that once had a minority voice have now become the popular voice of the day.

The good news is that Christians are the majority in this country. The bad news is that we have apparently lost our voice because we have become the silent majority. If something is not done to counteract the negative influences in our culture, I fear we could lose an entire generation of young women to the ways of the world. Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking the damage will only be short-term. If we don’t find our voice and use it to speak out against the negative influences of our culture, our daughters will be molded by the voice of the day. The resulting damage will produce fallout that will carry over into our daughters’ marriages and into their motherhood, thus impacting generations to come.

Many well-meaning mothers have been caught off guard by the gradual and progressive downturn of the culture. For those who have recently awakened to a battle raging out of control and have determined something must be done, what is the next step?

When the Israelites were heading into battle, King David summoned the men of Issachar, who “understood the times and knew what Israel should do” (1 Chron. 12:32). Likewise, before we enter into battle, we must first gain a better understanding of “the times.”

What Are “the Times”?
(WARNING: Reading the following statistics may lead you to add rapture practice to your daily “to do” list)

Issues Facing Today’s Families

• Half of all first marriages will end in divorce.1
  
• Born-again Christians are just as likely to have been divorced as are non-born-again adults. More than 90 percent of such born-again Christians experienced their divorce after becoming born again.2
  
• Forty percent of children in the U.S. go to bed each night without having a biological father living in their home to tuck them in.3
  
• Almost half of all children will spend part of their years living in a single-parent home.4
  
• In 2000, 33 percent of all babies were born to unmarried women, compared to 3.8 percent in 1940.5
  
• Houses headed by unmarried partners (single fathers, single mothers, and gay couples) increased significantly, while—for the first time ever—houses headed by a married couple fell to below 25 percent of all households.6
  
• Thirty percent of Americans say drinking is a problem in their home.7
  
• According to NetValue, children spent 64.9 percent more time on pornography sites than they did on game sites in September 2000. Over one quarter (27.5 percent) of children age seventeen and under visited an adult web site, which represents 3 million unique underage visitors. Of these minors, 21.2 percent were fourteen or younger and 40.2 percent were female.8
  
• Sex is the number one searched for term on the Internet today.9
  
• Adult bookstores now outnumber McDonald’s restaurants in the U.S. by a ratio of 3:1.10
  
• Two out of every three shows on TV contain sexual content.11
  

Issues Directly Facing Our Daughters

• The number one wish for girls ages eleven to seventeen is to be thinner.12
  
• One study of Saturday morning toy commercials found that 50 percent of commercials aimed at girls spoke about physical attractiveness, while none of the commercials aimed at boys referred to appearance.13
  
• Thirty percent of high school seniors reported having at least five drinks in a row in the previous two weeks.14
  
• Twenty-five percent of high school seniors reported using illicit drugs in the past thirty days.15
  
• Nationwide, 46 percent of students in grades 9 through 12 have had sex.16
  
• Fourteen percent of all thirteen-year-olds have had sex.17
  
• Nearly 35 percent of all young women in the U.S. become pregnant at least once before reaching the age of twenty—almost 850,000 each year.18
  
• Approximately 1.5 million U.S. women with unwanted pregnancies choose abortion each year.19
  
• Eighty-three percent of teens say that moral truth depends on the situation.20
  
• Dating on college campuses is all but obsolete, having been replaced by a “hook-up” culture, where a guy and a girl get together for some form of physical encounter (ranging from kissing to having sex) with no expectation of anything further. Although “no-commitment sex” is rampant on college campuses, it has left many college women feeling disillusioned.21

The times clearly are disturbing. They have been a long time in the making. We didn’t just wake up one morning and find the world absent of virtue. While we cannot blame one group or organization for all of society’s ills, I do believe that when it comes to the negative influences facing our daughters, there is one aspect in our country’s history that has negatively impacted women of all ages, including our daughters, more than any other. What is it? The Sexual Revolution.

Woman’s Liberation and the Sexual Revolution

Let’s turn the clocks back to the early 1960s. Think tie-dye. Think Woodstock. Think hippies. Think sexual revolution. Most of us are old enough to have at least a basic knowledge of the radical women’s liberation movement that was birthed in the early 1960s.

Actually, the women’s movement has been around for some time. It originated as a positive cause that evolved in the mid-1850s along with other social reform groups, including the Abolition of Slavery and the Social Purity and Temperance movements. Women began to realize that in order to transform societal ills, they needed to develop their own organizations. The original campaign included a range of issues, including the guardianship of infants, property rights, divorce, access to higher education, and equal pay. The early movement became best known for gaining the right of women to vote in 1928.

Later, during World War II, women began to enter the workforce out of necessity. In doing so, they challenged the stereotype of the traditional stay-at-home mother who was supported by her husband, the sole breadwinner. Then in the 1960s and 1970s, the women’s movement took a more radical turn with the onset of “the Pill,” which initiated the sexual revolution. “The Pill” allowed many women to believe they could have sex whenever they wanted, with whomever they wanted, with no strings attached. In those instances where “the Pill” didn’t work, feminists demanded the right to abortion on demand.

The woman most often referred to as the founder of the radical women’s liberation movement was Betty Friedan. In 1963 she published The Feminine Mystique, a book that stated that society puts pressures on women to be housewives and discourages them from seeking a career. In 1966 she founded the National Organization for Women (NOW).

Soon after, Gloria Steinem entered the picture. She, along with Betty Friedan and other women, published the first issue of “Ms.” magazine in 1971 and launched it as a monthly magazine in 1972. Gloria Steinem is known as a primary influence in the sexual revolution of the late ’60s and early ’70s. She discouraged the institution of marriage and once said, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” She later said, “I don’t think marriage has a good name. . . . Legally speaking, it was designed for a person and a half. You became a semi-non-person when you got married.”22 While few women were willing to altogether shed the institution of marriage at the suggestion of Ms. Steinem, many were influenced to shuck the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex.

Ironically, in 2000, Gloria Steinem wed at the age of sixty-six. Apparently she ran across a fish in need of a bicycle. For someone who influenced countless women with her radical views concerning women’s rights, she apparently failed in the end to adhere to her own view against marriage. If she couldn’t follow through with her own views, why should other women do so?

If Gloria Steinem proved to be an unreliable representative of a movement that influenced masses of women, what about Betty Friedan? In Betty Friedan, Her Life, a biography written by Judith Hennessee, the author finds it difficult to reconcile Betty Friedan, the visionary, with Betty Friedan, the woman. It turns out that the “great liberator of women” was ill-tempered, selfish, ego-driven, arrogant, and altogether disagreeable. Further, readers are told that Ms. Friedan saw no irony in calling a meeting of feminist organizers in her New York apartment, then employing a black maid in a white uniform to serve refreshments. Wasn’t this the leader of the movement who supposedly sought equality for all women? Perhaps most shocking is the fact that Friedan is commonly known as “the feminist who didn’t like women!”23

How sad that so many women have been led astray by a movement that was led and represented by these two women. They made up the rules as they went along, and when it became convenient or helpful to suit their own personal preferences and agendas, they ignored or changed their rules. Unfortunately, by the time their character flaws were exposed, it was too late. The radical women’s movement had gained wings of its own and had taken flight.

In 1 Corinthians 3:18–19 the words of the apostle Paul ring true of these women:

“Do not deceive yourselves. If any one of you thinks he is wise by the standards of this age, he should become a ‘fool’ so that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. As it is written: ‘He catches the wise in their craftiness.’”

So why the history lesson? Is it necessary? You bet! If we are to raise our daughters to be godly, virtuous women, we must first understand what was primarily responsible for the downturn in virtue among women. It is my belief that the sexual revolution, which evolved out of the radical women’s liberation movement, is to blame for many of the negative influences facing our daughters today. While an objective Christian must admit to some merit of the women’s movement—such as its justified campaign for equal pay for equal work—overall, it has had a devastating impact on women in our society through its campaigns for sexual freedom, abortion on demand, and self-empowerment.

Today the radical women’s liberation movement, led primarily by Friedan and Steinem, seems to have died down. In the end, women were not willing to embrace the radical tenets of the movement, such as its antimarriage agenda. Women generally “discovered” that they actually do need men. Now, however, a new and revised version of the women’s movement has begun to evolve. Waiting in the wings to take the place of the radical women’s liberation movement is what is commonly referred to as “revised feminist ideology.” If you think the original movement was damaging to young women, the fallout from this movement will be even more devastating. Our daughters will be hard-pressed to escape the influence of revised feminist ideology. Its message is peddled through television, movies, magazines, music, and other media outlets—making it virtually inescapable.

From Burning Bras to Push-Up Bras
What is “revised feminist ideology?” It is an offshoot of the radical women’s liberation movement, minus the extremes. It is pro-career and antagonistic to stay-at-home mothers. It is sexual freedom with no strings attached. It is self-empowerment and independence. It tells girls and women to set their own rules and do whatever feels good because it’s all about them. In general, it is a message that tells girls and women, “You can have it all!”

Let me give you an absurd, even laughable, example of revised feminist ideology that recently made its way into my inbox. It was from the popular teen fashion magazine CosmoGIRL! (the teen version of Cosmopolitan). The magazine was promoting a campaign directed at teen girls, called “Girls on top.” In an online teaser ad used to lure girls to participate, here is what I read:

PROJECT 2024 p>Our bet? In the year 2024, one CosmoGIRL! reader will become president of the United States. The rest of you will be CEOs, executives, and leaders. Consider this your power road map.

What’s your dream? Do you want to make a million dollars by the time you’re 25? You’ll come home each night to your mansion and kiss your foxy husband and adorable kids hello before you rush to pack for your business trip. And hey, do they want to come with you? Why not? You’re the boss! Or maybe you want to be the biggest boss of all. As in world leader. As in president of the United States. No, CosmoGIRL!—this is no fantasy. Welcome to your reality. . . .

Hmmm . . . I couldn’t help but notice they didn’t include the possibility that some girls may want to be mothers. And puhleese—a million dollars, mansion, and a foxy husband all by the age of 25? Now, that’s realistic. Heaven help us all if a CosmoGIRL! becomes president of the United States. Time to pack up and move to Canada!

It is clear that the barometer to “having it all” is achievement in the workplace. Unfortunately, this “you can have it all” message has encouraged many women to postpone marriage and/or having children in order to first establish themselves in their careers. However, a book by Sylvia Ann Hewlett entitled Creating a Life: Professional Woman and the Quest for Children reveals that many professional women who succumbed to the message and poured themselves into building their careers, now feel ripped off and betrayed as they find themselves in their late 30s or early 40s and unable to have children. The research, published in Time magazine, found that more than half of the thirty-five-year-old female professionals it surveyed and 42 percent of the forty-year-olds were childless. Ms. Hewlett told Time magazine that women are “shocked, devastated and angry.”24

Just as the serpent deceived Eve in the Garden with a quick-fix solution to “having it all,” many women today have bought into the same scheme of the enemy. Rather than learn a lesson from Eve, they continue to line up to try the forbidden fruit for themselves. Mothers must be faithful in exposing their daughters to the enemy’s modern-day scheme, revealing it for what it is: a lie that could leave them with power, success, and wealth, but in the end—emptiness.

The main problem with revised feminist ideology is that it blatantly contradicts itself. Let me explain. One of its major tenets is that women should be independent (i.e., not be dependent on men). Another of its major tenets is that women have the right to sexual freedom. This compares to the messages sent by the radical women’s movement, but it has a caveat. The revised tenet sends a message to women that basically says, “You can have sex with whomever you want, whenever you want, with no strings attached, but in order to get the man who will enable you to exercise your freedom, you must dress scantily and practice shallow ‘snag-a-man’ magazine tactics.” (Think Monica Lewinsky here.) How ironic that the very movement that preaches women’s independence from men also encourages women to be dependent on men so they can exercise their sexual freedom! (Of course, you don’t hear many guys complaining.)

I am a collector of old magazines. I own quite a few Seventeen magazines dating back as early as 1950. It is amazing to compare the Seventeen magazines from the 1950s and 1960s, prior to the onset of the women’s liberation movement, to Seventeen magazines of today. Sprinkled throughout the earlier magazines are multitudes of advertisements for Lane hope chests, engagement rings, and sterling silver flatware. In one issue from 1960, I counted ten ads for sterling silver flatware and three ads for engagement/wedding sets. One ad for silver flatware reads, “You’ve chosen your pattern—you’ve bought your first piece. It’s a symbol of the home you’ll have someday.”25 Another ad reads, “Most girls start collecting Towle when they first begin to think of marriage and a home of their own, very often before they have met the man of their choice.”26 By the early 1970s, the silver flatware ads and engagement set ads had dwindled to an average of one ad each per issue.27

Compare those advertisements to advertisements in current Seventeen magazines. In place of the ads for silver flatware, engagement sets, and hope chests are ads for makeup, hair care products, and raunchy clothing lines. One ad for a popular teen fashion line shows a girl waiting in line for a concert with a very bare midriff and the strap of her thong underwear coming out the top of her low-rider jeans. Tucked inside the strap of her thong underwear is her concert ticket. A girl behind her, who is holding her ticket in her hand, is clearly miffed as a handsome boy unlatches a velvet rope and allows the young lady with the precariously placed concert ticket early entrance to the show. Another provocative ad shows a scantily dressed girl lying in the backseat of a car with her knees apart and a sultry “come hither” look on her face. Both ads send a clear message that when you dress to please the opposite sex, you are guaranteed attention from the guys, albeit in the backseat of a car.

In the older Seventeen magazines, there were a few ads and articles that centered on pleasing the opposite sex, but they focused on the actual product rather than sexuality. Most of the ads or articles peddled products such as deodorant, hand lotion, or food. One of my all-time favorite “snag-a-man” articles had the title, “Make him a pie!”28 Another Seventeen had an ad that said, “Beats Going Out! A Chef Boy-Ar-Dee pizza convinces boys there’s no place like home as no store-bought pizza can.”29 Yet another ad said, “Good date idea. . . . Feed him delicious Date Corn Bread—and he can easily see how nice you are!”30 I must remember to share that one with my daughter when she is of dating age. The girls in these ads opted for an apron to lure their man rather than cleavage-baring blouses and thong underwear. The ads clearly were based on the old adage that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

From the Age of Innocence to the Age of Seduction

Perhaps the most shocking contrast between then and now is found in the magazines’ featured short stories geared to teen girls. In the December 1948 Ladies’ Home Journal, the featured short story is titled “Security,” and the caption reads: “She said brokenly, ‘I don’t want to wait.’ Her eyes were closed, the lashes sooty against her skin.” Sound racy? Don’t get the wrong idea. Read on and you discover the main character is referring to waiting, of all things, to get married. Her father believes a man should hold a steady job before getting married and has forbidden marriage until the lad can find a steady and secure job. In the end, the couple respectfully abides by the wishes of the father.31

Compare this to the featured short story in the December 2001 Seventeen magazine, titled “Seduce Me.” The caption below the title reads: “Mom’s dead. Dad’s dating Sylvia. What’s to stop me from sleeping with Sylvia’s son?” The main character is a sixteen-year-old girl. In one part of the story, her best friend quips, “At least your father’s getting laid. That’s more than we can say for ourselves.” Later in the story, when the main character is alone with Sylvia’s son, it reads, “He locked the door with a loud click. Maybe he’d seduce me right there on the couch. The next day I’d be queen of the lunchroom, telling my friends what it was like to no longer be a virgin.” Her wishes are not fulfilled and she later tells her best friend, “My dad’s living the life of Fabio, and I’m going to die a miserable virgin.”32

How unfortunate that Seventeen has a large platform to influence preteen and teen girls in a positive way, yet their inclusion of stories such as this sends a clear message to girls that they are abnormal freaks if they remain virgins. If the publishers of these types of magazines sincerely care about their target audience, perhaps they would focus on the fact that 72 percent of teen girls regret their decision to have sex and wish they had waited.33 They would also educate their audience to the dangers of sex outside of marriage, including sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, and unwanted pregnancies.

In a 1948 issue of Ladies’ Home Journal, there is an advice column answered by none other than Eleanor Roosevelt. One young woman submitted this question: “What is the reason men of the North seemingly show lack of respect for women? Men do not tip their hats to women whom they meet on the street, neither do they rise from their seats when women come into the room. Southern men are more courteous.” Mrs. Roosevelt replied, “You surprise me in your estimate of men in the North. I have never had a man greet me in the street without raising his hat, nor do I find that they do not get up when a lady comes into the room.”34 Compare this to an advice column in the August 2001 Seventeen magazine where a girl questions whether or not she can get pregnant using the “withdrawal” method. Of course, the answer advises her to use a condom rather than abstain from sex altogether. Mrs. Roosevelt would roll over in her grave if she could see the “progress” women have made.

We have the women’s liberation movement to thank for the fact that few men open doors for women and surrender their seats to women. Women have been taught that they are far too independent for that. For heaven’s sakes, we wouldn’t want men to respect us, would we? Besides, why bother with that kind of respect when women can get respect for so much more—like plunging necklines, bare midriffs, and painted on jeans. Now that’s progress! In times long past, men had to pay a cover charge to see women dressed like that. I must remember to pen a thank-you note to Ms. Friedan and Ms. Steinem for spearheading a movement that has redefined respect when it comes to the opposite sex.

Other Media Influences
While I have focused primarily on the medium of teen and women’s fashion magazines as the conduit for revised feminist ideology, let’s not forget that the message is also peddled through television, movies, music, and other media influences. My husband recalls being teased as a teenager because his mother would not allow him to watch the popular sitcom Happy Days (because Fonzie was a hood). My, how times have changed. The racy sitcoms of today make Happy Days look more like a Barney re-run.

We have since graduated to many sitcoms with professional career women who, oftentimes, show up to work in mini-skirts, talk crassly, and come on to the men in their office. In addition, the “professional” female characters are often portrayed as being confused, emotionally conflicted, and flighty. Was this what the women’s movement had in mind when it talked about breaking the glass ceiling in the workplace? I’d rather peddle Kirby vacuums door to door than work with someone as flaky Ally McBeal!

Movies similarly portray women in a negative manner. It’s no secret that R-rated movies are marketed directly to teens, in spite of the fact that most teens are younger than seventeen. If the movie is geared to teens, you can almost be assured that the female characters will not be portrayed in a positive, respectful manner. The pop music of the day is no different. It is full of suggestive, gratuitous, and often degrading lyrics about women. Thanks to Britney Spears, J-Lo, and other pop divas, our daughters not only want to sing the risqué’ lyrics, they want to dress the part as well.

The message of revised feminist ideology is clear: You can have it all! You set the rules. Unless, of course, you want a man, and then you have to play by his rules. Taunt him. Tease him. Give him what he wants—all in the name of sexual freedom. The sad thing is that this is not what girls want. I talk to countless Christian teen girls, college women, and women who have unknowingly bought into the messages of the revised feminist ideology. They feel empty, used, shameful, and directionless.

They soon forgot His works; they did not wait for His counsel,

But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tested God in the desert.

And He gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul. (Psalm 106:13–15 NKJV)

My Story
You might wonder how I know so much about the women’s movement. Unfortunately, I learned most of it the hard way. I am one of the many victims who bought into the teachings of the movement hook, line, and sinker. By the time I got to college, I was a self-professed agnostic feminist. Gloria Steinem was my hero. I recall attending a NOW meeting on the University of Texas campus and coming away confused. The girls I met at the meeting were radical feminists who were haters of men. I considered myself a feminist, but I didn’t hate men. I wasn’t a match for NOW, but I was a perfect fit for the revised feminist ideology that was beginning to take root and sweep the country. There was no formal group to join, and like most other girls my age, I wasn’t even aware there was a name for the movement to which I had succumbed. The fallout was immense. In my junior year I found myself guilt-ridden, confused, and most of all, empty. In the midst of these feelings, a friend invited me to attend a Christian retreat for college students over Labor Day weekend. I accepted the invitation.

The first evening at the retreat, a speaker shared how he had previously had a void in his heart. He had attempted to fill the void with everything the world had to offer. As he shared about the emptiness that followed, I began to fidget uncomfortably in my chair. His story hit too close to home. He shared how he had been at the end of his rope when a friend had taken the time to share with him about the unconditional love of God. He talked about how God proved His love by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on a cross. But what spoke to my heart more than anything was when he shared that only Jesus Christ could fill the void and emptiness in our hearts. He concluded by inviting each person to accept Christ as his or her Lord and Savior, as he had done earlier in his life.

When he finished, the worship leader led us in a chorus. As I was singing, I felt my hardened heart begin to soften. A million thoughts were racing through my mind: Could he be right? Could this Jesus fill the void in my heart? Is my search for happiness and fulfillment over? As I stood there arguing silently back and forth with myself, I finally gave up. On about the eleventh chorus of “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” (a dead give-away it was a Baptist-sponsored event), I gave my heart to Christ. The void in my heart was finally filled, and my life has never been the same since.

What About You?
Many of us have been conned by a movement that has failed to define or justify itself over the years. The original women’s movement of the 1960s and 1970s had women burning their bras in the streets and throwing out their razors. The revised version of today has women wearing push-up bras and scoop neck T-shirts and doing whatever it takes to make men drool. One can only imagine what is next. If we are to adequately counteract the movement’s impact on our daughters, we must warn them that the movement will dangle before their eyes a carrot called “happiness and fulfillment.” In the end, however, it will leave many empty and broken hearts in its wake. As Christian mothers, we must awaken from our slumber, equip ourselves for battle, and refuse to allow the world to take our girls by the hand and lead them through life. If we don’t take action, be assured, our daughters will be indoctrinated into the popular thinking of the day.

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