Since 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter released two years ago, I’ve encouraged both moms and dads to read it and engage in key conversations with their daughters, even though the book is targeted to moms. Now, a new study backs up the tremendous need for dads to step up to the plate and take an active role in talking to their daughters about issues related to today’s sexually promiscuous culture.

CBS.com had this to say about the new study:

NEW YORK, Oct. 4, 2010

Dads: Birds and the Bees Talk Not Just for Sons

New Study Reveals Daughters, Ages 19 to 21, Say Dads Should Do More to Prepare Them for Sex and Dating

Dr. Jennifer Hartstein, child and adolescent psychologist and “Early Show” contributor, joined “Early Show” co-anchor Harry Smith to discuss how important it is for dads to be in on that sometimes awkward, but always beneficial, conversation.

According to Hartstein, having “the talk” early in this day in age is very important.

“We have so much research that supports the fact (that) starting it early and having it continuously protects all our kids, daughters and sons, from making bad decisions in relationships, sexually, posting inappropriate pictures, sexting — all that stuff has to start as early as your kids start talking to you about it,” she said. (Click here to read the entire article.)

If your daughter is approaching middle school (or is already in middle school or older), I would definitely advise dads to look over Conversation #3 and highlight key passages to discuss with their daughters. When a dad speaks up about pressures related to sex, dating, and other issues that can impact his daughter’s reputation (sexting, etc.), he offers a powerful voice in the battle for his daughter’s purity. While the thought of having to broach this topic can be unsettling, the consequences of remaining silent can be far more unsettling in the end. Besides, who better than good ol’ dad to offer his daughter a uniquely male perspective on the topic? It’s a father’s duty to protect his daughter. In fact, I would argue that the most effective birth control available to our daughters is hands down, a thriving father/daughter relationship.

Just recently, I was going through some old photographs and stumbled upon the heart-warming picture above of my daughter (in the middle) and four of her friends from school. It was taken in the summer just prior to their 6th grade year at the airport. We were in route to Chicago for a mother/daughter weekend where we would visit the American Girl store, eat at the American Girl Cafe, and see the sights.  As they walked through the airport with their favorite American Girl dolls strapped to their backs, I  recall wondering how much longer this precious season of girlhood would last.

A couple of months after taking that photo, I would get my answer. One of the girls in the picture came over to spend the night. She left her doll behind and instead, brought over a newly purchased CD. The mock birthday parties they used to stage with their dolls were replaced on this evening with a late-night concert, starring of course, my daughter and her friend. With the boom box blaring at top volume and their karaoke mics in hand, they were belting out the chorus of a song, “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” by a fairly new artist, Britney Spears. This pop-star-in-the-making looked like a mere child herself posing innocently on the front of the CD cover with her hands in a prayer like stance. Of course, at the time, I didn’t realize the irony of the moment and only saw my own little girl growing up way too fast.

Within a year of taking the American Girl mother/daughter trip, my daughter would make a request to put her dolls away—the same dolls who had for years, comfortably taken up residence in her room. “Are you sure?” I asked, hopeful she would change her mind. “What if one of your friends comes over and wants to bring her doll?” She very matter-of-factly assured me that would not happen and so I began the difficult task of neatly packing her dolls, doll clothes, and doll furniture away in plastic storage bins. I tried desperately to stifle my tears as I shoved the bins onto the top shelf in her closet. I reasoned that their new home was far superior to the hot, stuffy attic and much more convenient should my daughter change her mind and decide to release them from their plastic prison. In my heart, I knew they were likely there to stay.

Today, my daughter is 20 years old and a junior at Auburn University. The dolls are still on the top shelf of her closet lying in wait, I suppose, for a future granddaughter’s request to get them down. It’s been ten years and Britney Spears is suffering the fallout from her own missed childhood. My daughter however, hardly noticed the transition from tween to teen and teen to young woman. The culture beckoned her to grow up far too fast, but for the most part, she managed to plug her ears and enjoy her fleeting season of girlhood. I am grateful.

Today, there is more pressure than ever for tween girls to bypass girlhood. We hear rumblings that “six is the new 16,” but it doesn’t have to be that way. Below, are a five tips to help your daughter enjoy her tween years and act her age.

Resist the urge to indulge her with the latest “teen” gadgets. Cell phones, iTouches, laptops, and the like will wiggle their way into her life soon enough. Limit her time on things that distract her from more positive influences such as face-to-face relationships, board games, outdoor play, creative play, reading, learning to play an instrument, and time spent with family.

Insist that she dress her age. It’s disturbing enough to see teen girls (or young women in general) emulate the scantily clad celebrities and their skin-baring fashions, but incomprehensible that many children’s and junior’s departments are now offering pint-size hooker-wear. Expect to hear, “But Mom, everyone wears this!” Draw a firm line in the sand on this one. Your daughter is not an object for the male viewing pleasure…not now, or ever.

Monitor her media intake. Studies show that kids who are exposed to sexually explicit song lyrics as well as television shows such as MTV, are more likely to have early sex. Pay attention to song lyrics, movie ratings, television shows, Internet activity and other media influences that have adult-themes and draw appropriate boundaries. Be particular about what you allow into your home—it is your right and responsibility to protect the innocence of your children. Case in point: After reviewing the lyrics on the above-mentioned Britney Spears CD, I refused to buy it for my daughter. I used it instead as a teachable moment to explain that some of the lyrics portrayed girls as objects and that she was worth much more than that.

Limit her time spent with friends who are on a fast track to grow up. I often tell my children, “You are who you hang out with.” If your daughter runs with a crowd that is anxious to grow up, she will behave in a like manner. Encourage your daughter to spend time with girls who are comfortable acting their age. If you are not sure about one of her friends, have them spend time at your house where you can maintain a level of control.

If your daughter is already on a fast track, check your own motives. Parents who have falsely defined their own worth will often times, pass down their own insecurities to their children. Unfortunately, I have witnessed too many mothers (and fathers) who bend on the rules above in a desperate attempt for their daughters to fit in and be popular. As a past “popular girl,” trust me when I say that popularity comes with a price. One recent study found that popular kids are more likely to get into trouble and do drugs.

It’s natural for our children to want to rush through childhood and move at the pace of their peers. As parents, we are faced with the challenge of finding a reasonable balance that in the end, won’t “provoke our children to anger.” (Eph. 6:4) Simply put, we need to remember that we have ultimate control when it comes to putting on the brakes. Slamming on the brakes and raising our children in a bubble can be as damaging as applying no brakes at all. We need to make sure we’re along for the ride and aware of what lies beyond the next bend in the road. The goal is to apply a gentle pressure to the brakes and help them coast safely into the next season of life.

Well surprise, surprise. A new study has found that couples who live together before marriage are less likely to stay married. In addition, the study found that the likelihood that a marriage would last for a decade or more decreased by six percentage points if the couple had cohabited first. (Click here to read about the study in an article posted at NYTimes.com.)

In my book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, I encouraged mothers to have many necessary conversations pertaining to this topic BEFORE their daughters leave the nest. And you can bet I’m including the same encouragement in the book I’m currently writing for mothers of sons. I am shocked at how many professing Christians engage in this behavior and shrug it off with the common excuse that “times have changed.”

Let’s not dance around (or ignore) this topic any longer. As parents, we need to have clear and frank conversations with our children about the possible consequences of shacking up. Most importantly, we need to boldly remind them that living together outside of marriage is wrong in the eyes of God. It is sin and sinful choices always come with a price tag. When it comes to shacking up, if they act now, they may pay later. The results of the study shouldn’t come as a surprise. The results simply support the “why” behind God’s standards and serve as a reminder that God’s way is always the best way.

Below, is a short excerpt from my book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter regarding the shack-up trend:

Since 1960, the number of unmarried couples who live together has increased more than tenfold. What was considered immoral and unacceptable fifty years ago has now shifted to become somewhat of an expectation, especially among men. The study by the National Marriage Project found that most of the participants view cohabitation in a favorable light and almost all the men agreed with the view that you should not marry a woman until you have lived with her first. Nearly 70% of those who get married lived together first.

So, what is the appeal or the reasoning behind the decision to shack up? The study above sheds light on the three most common reasons cited by unmarried singles in the study above:

• They hope to find out more about the habits, character, and fidelity of a partner.
• They want to test compatibility, possibly for future marriage.
• They want to live together as a way of avoiding the risks of divorce or being “trapped in an unhappy marriage.”

There seems to be much confusion and miscommunication regarding any “perceived” benefits of cohabitation. Ironically, cohabitation actually increases the risk that the relationship will break up before marriage. A National Marriage Project report states that, “Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up.”

The verdict is in: Living together before marriage is damaging to your physical, spiritual, and emotional health and can impact the health of your future marriage whether you end up marrying the person you lived with or someone else. Yet our young people continue to buy the culture’s lies, never questioning the error of their ways and the fallout it may produce in the years to come. Not to mention that by allowing men the ready option to “try marriage out” by living together first, it further delays marriage during the prime child-bearing years for our young women. The familiar saying, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free” certainly applies here.

I continue to be amazed that we hear little, if any, outcry over the devastating impact the sexual revolution has had on our women. With little to no external pressures to wed for men, our women are the real losers in this deal. Is this really liberation? Ironically, the girls with true “girl power” are the ones who say “no” to sex outside of marriage and raise the bar high for their potential suitors. Seems mighty powerful to me when a young lady draws a line in the sand and refuses to emotionally give away her heart and physically give away her body outside of God’s perfect timing. Does your daughter know about this brand of girl power?

I stumbled upon this heart-warming story while reading Albert Mohler’s blog and just had to pass it along. Enjoy!

From the NYTimes.com:

A Father-Daughter Bond, Page by Page

By MICHAEL WINERIP
Published: March 18, 2010

MILLVILLE, N.J.

WHEN Jim Brozina’s older daughter, Kathy, was in fourth grade, he was reading Beverly Cleary’s “Dear Mr. Henshaw” to her at bedtime, when she announced she’d had enough. “She said, ‘Dad, that’s it, I’ll take over from here,’ ” Mr. Brozina recalled. “I was, ‘Oh no.’ I didn’t want to stop. We really never got back to reading together after that.”

Mr. Brozina, a single father and an elementary school librarian who reads aloud for a living, did not want the same thing to happen with his younger daughter, Kristen. So when she hit fourth grade, he proposed The Streak: to see if they could read together for 100 straight bedtimes without missing once. They were both big fans of L. Frank Baum’s Oz books, and on Nov. 11, 1997, started The Streak with “The Tin Woodman of Oz.”

When The Streak reached 100, they celebrated with a pancake breakfast, and Kristen whispered, “I think we should try for 1,000 nights.” (Click here to read the original article.)

(Disclaimer: Article excerpt belongs to: NYTimes.com)

USAToday.com recently reported the results of a new study that found that five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era.

Consider the following snippets from the article:

Jean Twenge (a San Diego State University psychology professor and the study’s lead author) and mental health professionals speculate that a popular culture increasingly focused on the external — from wealth to looks and status — has contributed to the uptick in mental health issues.

Overall, an average of five times as many students in 2007 surpassed thresholds in one or more mental health categories, compared with those who did so in 1938. A few individual categories increased at an even greater rate — with six times as many scoring high in two areas: “hypomania,” a measure of anxiety and unrealistic optimism (from 5% of students in 1938 to 31% in 2007) and depression (from 1% to 6%). Twenge said the most current numbers may even be low given all the students taking antidepressants and other psychotropic medications, which help alleviate symptoms the survey asks about.

Scott Hunter, director of pediatric neuropsychology at the University of Chicago’s Comer Children’s Hospital says this latest generation has been raised in a “you can do anything atmosphere.” And that, he says, “sets up a lot of false expectation” that inevitably leads to distress for some. (To read the entire USAToday.com article in full, click here.)

As parents, we want the very best for our children. But is it possible that we have bought in at some level to the world’s recipe for “happiness” and in doing so, provided our children with the ingredients for a big ol’ crockpot of misery? It’s a sobering question to say the least, but one we’d be wise to ponder if we truly want what’s best for our children. I’m sure there are many variables that factor into the increase among youth today who are stressed and depressed, but I was most struck by the sobering truth that youth of the Great Depression were overall, happier. Much happier. How ironic that the youth of the Great Depression were stripped bare of luxuries, opportunities, and privileges and yet emerged more content and less stressed than today’s generation of youth who have hardly had to want for anything. Of course, the results of the study shouldn’t come as a surprise when we reflect on Moses’s advice to the Israelites in the Old Testament before they entered the promised land:

When you have eaten your fill, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. “But that is the time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations, and laws. For when you have become full and prosperous and have built fine homes to live in, and when your flocks and herds have become very large and your silver and gold have multiplied along with everything else, that is the time to be careful. Do not become proud at that time and forget the Lord your God, who rescued you from slavery in the land of Egypt. (Deut. 8:10-14)

Do not forget the Lord your God. When the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years, they were desperately dependent on God to provide for their every need. In a similar manner, I’m sure the youth of the Great Depression also learned to trust God to meet their each and every need. In the end, having less proves to be more. The youth of today are faced with countless distractions that tempt them at every pass to take their eyes off God. Before we can set out to correct the problem, we have to be clear on the solution. Our children must remember that even in times of plenty, God and God alone, is their provider and sustainer.  Which begs the question: How can we teach them this critical truth when so much bids for their attention?

First, we must resist the urge to cave into our child’s every whim for material possessions. Technology gadgets, designer label apparel, and other trendy items may make them look good on the outside, but they don’t bring happiness on the inside. I’m not saying we go Amish on our kids and completely disconnect from the world. The key is balance. But do middle and high school kids really need iPhones and Blackberrys loaded with every bell and whistle? Do our girls really need a $200 pair of designer jeans? Giving into their every whim will only produce a sense of entitlement and leave them thinking it’s never enough.

We need to take an honest appraisal of our own attitudes in regard to “wealth, looks, and status.” Have we inadvertently led our children (by our own behavior, comments, and actions) to believe these things bring happiness and are of utmost importance in our lives? Trust me, I’m stepping on my own toes here as I type that last sentence. I recently helped my daughter clean out her closet and when we began to bag up the clothes she had outgrown to drop off at the local Salvation Army, I felt sick to my stomach when we hauled two full bags down to the car.  How many pairs of Old Navy jammie pants does a girl really need? And don’t even get me started on shoes – in her closet or MINE. But the sobering truth was that I bought those things for her.

God has brought my heart under tremendous conviction in regard to the ways I have over-indulged my children (and myself) over the years. In fact, I shared this conviction with my daughter over the Christmas holidays and apologized for sending her the wrong message. I told her I was trying to aim for a better balance in my own life and working to fill my heart with the peace God offers rather than rush out to fill my closet with things that only offer a temporary buzz. In addition to scaling back on the luxuries we give our children, we must also force them outside their standard it’s-all-about-me mindset. One of the best remedies to cure our craving for more, more, more is to get out and serve others. Mission trips are a wonderful opportunity to expose our children to those less fortunate and give them a taste of the joy that comes with serving.

We also need to be honest with our children and address the “you can do anything” atmosphere the researchers of the study speculate is a contributing factor to the increase in youth feeling stressed and depressed. The truth is, there are some things our children won’t be able to master. How many parents have set their children up for failure by allowing them to falsely believe they can be anything they want to be as long as they “work hard” and “set their minds to the task?” If they show an aptitude for something, sure, let’s encourage them to pursue their God-given talents and aim for goals that are reasonable. Most kids go through a phase where they want to become a famous celebrity/pop star/politician/pro-athlete/etc…, but the truth is, few will achieve those goals. (As if we should want them to anyway, given the track record of unhappiness.)

What better reminder of this faulty brand of thinking than the beginning season of American Idol when we get a glimpse at the audition phase of the competition? Each and every season, we are subjected to countless examples of parents who have convinced their vocally-challenged children they have the goods to become next American Idol when in reality, they can’t carry a tune in a bucket. It doesn’t matter how much energy they have devoted to “setting their minds to it” or how many voice lessons they’ve had, if they can’t sing, they aren’t going to make the cut. Our job as parents is to guide our children in discovering their unique gifts and talents, all the while being honest with them in the process. Ultimately, we need to train them to rely on God’s direction for their future, not ours.

Who knows, it may take another Great Depression type of event to help our children (and us) see God as the primary provider and sustainer. In the meantime, we must help our children keep their eyes on God and limit other distractions that bid for their attention. Further, we must help our children understand that our hearts are wired for intimacy with God, yet our sin nature will leave us tempted to chase after counterfeit gods that can’t and won’t deliver the peace and happiness our hearts truly desire. Nothing they desire will ever compare to what Christ did on the cross. Absolutely nothing. Whether in want or in plenty, we must caution our children to never forget the Lord their God.

Adults, age 35 and up, are currently the fastest growing audience on Facebook. They are rushing over to join the fun. Which means their teens, who once had the place all to themselves, are cringing over the reality that the chaperones have arrived. In droves. As the younger users are trying to figure out the etiquette of whether or not they have to accept friend requests from Mom, Dad, Uncle Beryl, and even Grandma, parents are in great need of a few etiquette tips themselves. Here are ten tips that seem to be at the top of most teens’ wish lists. And yes, some of the tips (okay, a lot of them), I’ve learned the hard way…if you know what I mean.

Do not post reminders on your child’s wall. This includes, but is not limited to: Reminders to wear their retainer at night, take the recycle bin out to the curb, or to remember their upcoming dermatologist appointment. In fact, just to be safe don’t post anything on your child’s wall except for perhaps, birthday wishes. And even that’s debatable. A simple “Happy Birthday” will suffice. Do not use terms of endearment in the greeting and do not send a Facebook gift. This includes the stuffed bear wearing an “I love Mom” t-shirt. (Sorry, Ryan.)

Do not comment on pictures of your child that are posted (tagged) by their friends. This includes, but is not limited to: Compliments about your daughter’s hair, gentle suggestions that your daughter may need to wear a bit more lip gloss, or a simple “Yikes” said in reference to one of your daughter’s friends showing a bit too much cleavage. (Guilty!) These types of comments should fall into the private message category. Never forget that comments on pictures can be viewed by everyone on your daughter’s friend list, including the girl who is showing a bit too much cleavage.

Do not post pictures of your child on his/her wall. This especially includes, but is not limited to: Scanned family photos from a decade ago or baby pictures of your son playing dress-up in his dad’s suit. Doing so could result in your son’s college roommate using the above-mentioned baby picture as his profile picture in a week-long mockery campaign. (See photo above. Sorry, Ryan.)  Also, pictures of the beloved family pet are in the no-post category, but are acceptable if sent through private message. Just because your college son talks baby talk to the 4 lb. Yorkie  when he’s home for a visit, doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a picture of the little love-muffin dressed in his Halloween Batman costume on his wall (Sorry again, Ryan.)

Do not upload footage of your child performing as a superstar in any sport or activity without first obtaining their permission. This includes footage of your son making a phenomenal one-handed catch during the homecoming football game that resulted in a run for a touchdown. We are all proud of our children, but excessive bragging (through videos, pictures, or status updates) should be doled out in moderation. Which reminds me, footage of Hayden’s amazing catch can be found by clicking on videos on my Facebook page. (NOTE: Hayden gave me the green light to post the clip in exchange for a $20 gift card to Sonic.)

Do not use status message updates as a billboard for your teen’s poor choices. Unless that is, it’s funny and then it’s okay. The end goal should not be to publicly shame your teenager, but rather, to garner empathy from fellow parents of teens. Kinda like a big, giant Facebook support group for parents. “My teen just tested my last ounce of patience. Anyone know of any good boarding schools?” sounds much better than “My punk teen just shoplifted an energy drink from a convenience store. Pray he lives to see the sun come up tomorrow.”

Mushy Facebook status messages related to your spouse should be avoided at all costs. What child wouldn’t  need intensive therapy after seeing Dad’s status message in the newsfeed: “My wife is a total hottie and I’m counting the days until our weekend get-away.” Ew, ew, ew. In fact, Dad’s entire friend list may need therapy after that one. Facebook PDA is unacceptable at any age, and even more so if you answer to the title “Mom” or “Dad.”

Never, ever, send a friend request to one of your child’s friends. It doesn’t matter if you were present at their birth, diapered their little bottoms, and count them as one of your very own. Wait for them to come to you. They may…or they may not. Even the good kids are worried about the lack of control they have over what others may say on their walls and don’t want the adults they know to think any less of them. Especially the ones they love.

Use discretion when uploading pictures of yourself. I don’t care if you are 50 years old and super proud of your six-pack abs – I promise you, your kids don’t want to see them. If you are going to play sand volleyball and there is a camera present, do the kiddos a favor and put a shirt on. If you are going to post pictures from the family beach trip, please wear a cover up. Modest is hottest. Yeah, and you might not ever want to repeat that cheesy slogan in the hearing of your kids or they’re guaranteed to pack up and run away from home. Forever.

Never say LOL. Actually, I was just made aware of this one recently after being royally chastised by one of my children for daring to say it in a comment. Not sure what is so offensive about saying LOL, but it clearly struck a nerve and I got this immediate reply: “Mom, NEVER say LOL again.” To which I promptly replied: “NP! IDK what I was thinking. TTYL!” It’s been a few weeks since I last heard from that child, but I’m pretty sure she’s been busy studying for mid-terms. LOL.

Last, but not least, never let on that you are stalking their page. Oh sure, you are going to be left with some questions from time to time or see some things that make you grumble. As long as you think they are making overall, good choices, resist the urge to correct every infraction you see. Of course, the exception to the rule is if you have reason to believe your child is headed down a dangerous path and an intervention is in order. Otherwise, pull back and give your child some wiggle room to grow up. And let’s all count our blessings that Facebook wasn’t around when we were teens!

Tweens and teens have spoken and the verdict is in: Miley Cyrus wins the ahem, dishonor of 2009′s Worst Celebrity Influence.

According to www.UsMagazine.com:

JSYK.com (Just So You Know), AOL’s pop culture blog aimed at 9-15 year olds, recently tallied 44,594 online votes for its first, eponymous awards.

In its “Worst Celeb Influence” category, Cyrus garnered 42% of votes — easily beating out an on-the-mend Britney Spears (27%) and VMAs-spoiler Kanye West (19%). Caught in a nude photo scandal, Vanessa Hudgens charted at 9%, while Shia LeBeouf’s public intoxication scuffles snagged him 3%. (Click here to read more.)

Go ahead, on the count of three, let’s all let out a collective groan together. While the news shouldn’t come has a surprise, it is heart-breaking all the same to see how this talented young lady has “copied the behavior and customs of this world” (Romans 12:2a NLT) and as a result, is paying a heavy price. Oh, I realize that many would argue with that last statement pointing out the fact that her misdeeds have placed her in the spotlight even more, allowing her to cash in as a newly inducted member into the girls-gone-wild club. Surely, the jokes on us, right? She keeps misbehaving and we keep shelling out the bucks to reward her bad behavior. Or let me put it to you this way: A sixteen year-old pole dances on an ice cream cart while dressed like a streetwalker during her performance on the Teen Choice Awards and we gasp in disbelief while our daughters rush over to iTunes to buy “Party in the USA.”

But don’t be fooled. This “party” will eventually come to an end for Miley. Just ask Britney. And when it does, a bevy of Porshe convertibles, vacation homes, and Calvin Klein model boyfriends won’t begin to soothe her aching heart. Nor will the hit songs, movie parts, or Grammy awards lining her mantle. At some point, Miss Cyrus will have to face the sad truth that she bought into the lies of the world and traded her good name in the process. Proverbs 22:1 cautions us, “Choose a good reputation over great riches, for being held in high esteem is better than having silver or gold.”

Honestly, I feel great compassion for this young lady. She is 16 years old and has a camera pointed in her direction most of her waking hours. Of course, she’s going to make mistakes. That’s to be expected. I think what makes her more of a target for criticism is the fact that she often acknowledges her faith in Christ and thanks God for the “blessing” of her talent and success. In claiming to be a believer, she herself sets the bar higher when it comes to audience expectations regarding her actions and behavior.

The primary purpose of this post is not to trash Miley Cyrus, but rather, serve as a reminder that we are each susceptible to buying into the lies of the world. If you have a child who is a Miley-admirer, take advantage of this teachable moment, but do so with humility and grace. Our prayers should be with this talented young lady who no doubt, has to be troubled at some level by this latest title of “worst celebrity influence.” If she is in fact a believer, we can rest assured that God is gently calling attention to this area of her heart that stands in disrepair. Just as He patiently does with each of us.

Overall, I’m relieved that the survey shows tweens and teens do take notice when actions don’t match up with words. If you say you believe in God, you best behave like it. In the meantime, it might be a good idea for Miley to refrain from acknowledging her faith in the public spotlight until she is past this season of sowing her wild oats. It only leaves her audience more confused and overall, disillusioned when her behavior fails to back up her proclaimed beliefs. One of my Facebook friends (who happens to be Miley’s same age), summed it up nicely in a status message she posted yesterday:

“Isn’t it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?” (James 2:17; The Message)

And that’s a reminder we can all use.

“It’s ten p.m. Do you know where your child is?” You might remember hearing this public service announcement that used to air before the local news back in the 1970′s-80′s. The jist of the PSA was to encourage parents to watch over their children and stay engaged in their whereabouts. Some three-plus decades later, the challenge to watch over our children seems insurmountable with the onset of technology. This sobering reality has hit me hard this past few weeks with a couple of wake up calls regarding kids and cell phones with web access.

The first alarm sounded when a dear friend of mine who serves on staff at a private Christian school in Florida shared that a large group of their 3rd grade boys were caught surfing a popular online portal of homemade p*rn during school hours. Stop for a minute and think about that. Eight and nine year-old boys passing around a cell phone or iTouch to each other at the lunch table or on the school bus and getting their first exposure to s*x in the vilest form possible. How will they even begin to process what they have seen and reconcile it with God’s intended purpose for sex? The damage is done and nothing can erase the imagery that has been etched into their minds forever.

The second alarm sounded a couple of weeks ago when an email was sent out to the parents of student athletes at my son’s private Christian school. The Athletic Director wanted to inform parents that some of the athletes had been caught viewing p*rn on their phones (and passing it around) while on the bus ride over to the off-campus athletic fields. He implored parents to sit their sons down and talk about the long-term effects of viewing p*rn. He also went a step further and asked parents to consider disabling web access from their sons’ phones.

I can hear you sighing right now. I’m right there with you. I have been mulling over this post for a couple of weeks now. I don’t particularly like addressing this topic on my blog because when I have done so in the past, it brings out some real shady creepers who land here after a google search for p*rn, particularly p*rn that involves young b*ys. I know that because I get a report which tracks key search words that lead folks to this blog. Which is why I am attempting to code some key words in this post in the hope that the online creepers won’t land here and thus, leave me in a grumpy and fowl mood for days to come.

I also do not care to turn this post into a debate forum with those who embrace a more liberal parenting philosophy and have chosen to turn a blind eye to what their kids are accessing on their phones are computers in the name of “personal freedom.” If you’ve read any of my books, you know I have zero respect for those who embrace buddy-buddy parenting tactics and shower their kids with unlimited gadgets and carte-blanche privileges that come with no boundaries. The truth is, your kids are likely the ones passing around this p*rn filth during school hours. So, please refrain from submitting comments to the effect of “kids will be kids” and “they’re going to find a way to view it, so it’s a losing battle, blah, blah, blah.” That may very well be the case, but do you have to be their accomplice?

I am choosing to post on this topic because I am certain here are some caring, concerned parents out there who A) don’t realize the magnitude of the problem and B) don’t know enough about technology to know if their child even has web access on their phone, iTouch, Nintendo DS, etc… In fact, after getting the two wake-up calls above, I realized that I had overlooked the fact that my own 16 year-old son has an iTouch with the ability to connect to the web via any available wireless connection. He does not have web access on his actual phone because his father and I do not feel it is necessary. Frankly, I don’t understand the need for children to have iPhones and Blackberrys loaded with data packages that include web access. Why even open up that Pandora’s box? Unless they’re running a business out of the garage and fielding offers from venture capitalist firms, why would they need it?  They wont’ die if they have to wait to check Facebook and movie times on the home computer.

All that to say, my husband and I sat our boy down last week and discussed the email that went out from the Athletic Director.  Hayden has a car and drives himself to practice, so we knew he wasn’t on the bus ride in question. However, I don’t want to be the naive parent who assumes her little angel wouldn’t be tempted to view p*rn, so I used this unfortunate incident as yet another, teachable moment. In fact, the way we have addressed this topic with both Hayden and his older brother is by matter-of-factly acknowledging that it is highly likely they have been exposed to p*rn on some level (a sad truth) and as a reminder, here is why you should not give into the temptation when it comes your way.

We then took some time to remind him about God’s purpose for s*x and the fallout that can occur when it is taken out of the context God intended. We also discussed the objectification of women that is prevalent in culture today and reminded him that God never intended for women to be viewed as mere objects. At that point, we expressed our concern with him having access to the web on his iTouch (albeit, limited access) and the easy accessibility it provides for times when he experiences the temptation to view p*rn. Since he’s 16 and less than two years shy of heading out the door to college, I was torn about whether we should require that Internet browser be removed from his phone, but was relieved when he suggested that we remove it after our conversation. (Instructions can be found below.)

My husband has also encouraged Hayden to meet one-on-one with a trusted Christian friend for spiritual encouragement and accountability and suggested that they specifically check in with each other regarding this particular temptation. Last Wednesday night, Hayden left a little early for his Deep End Bible study group that meets at our local church to meet his good friend, Tanner, at a Christian book store. He later came home with a book they found (on their own!) called Men of the Bible (part of the One Year Bible line). It contains “365 meditations on the character of men and their connection to the living God.” He and Tanner are going to go through the devotional together and meet one-on-one each Saturday. My son is NOT perfect, but I am so proud of him for taking steps to keep his heart in check.

It’s time to start talking to our boys about the fallout associated with viewing p*rn. We can’t afford to bury our heads in the sand and assume our boys would never cave into the temptation. Rare is the boy who won’t cave in, especially when they can gain such easy and instantaneous access. Even if we block access from our their gadgets, there is always going to be someone in their peer group/class/ball team that has a phone with all the bells and whistles. This is why we have to be diligent and helping them connect the dots between their actions and the long-time consequences associated with those actions. I would even go a step further and help them come up with a possible script of what to say when they are invited to look at p*rn on a friend’s phone. Remember, it’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.”

Finally, we have to do our part to draw boundaries in an effort to protect our children. We can’t sit back and wait for cell phone providers to take the initiative to protect our children — it’s OUR job to protect them. In a nutshell, here are our options when it comes to cell phones and web access:

1) Web access is an option on most phones and many cell phone providers even charge an extra monthly fee to access the web. My 21 year-old son does not feel it’s important enough to spend money on this feature and if he can live without it, I imagine your 12 year-old can too! If your child currently has web access as part of the data package you are paying for, consider calling your provider and having it removed. Another feature that is commonly included in many texting packages are unlimited pictures and videos. We had our provider block pictures and videos a couple of years back on our youngest son’s phone, even though they could be sent free of charge as part of the package. It was one less thing to worry about at the time. Now that he’s older, we have reinstated the feature, but do occasional spot checks to ensure he is using it responsibly.

2) If your child has an iTouch, check out this article. Pay careful attention to the information about HidePod (on page 2). It’s a free app that masquerades as a calculator but is actually a hidden vault for p*rn clips.  There is a link to the site where you can enter the serial number of your child’s device to see if they have downloaded the app. Also, I found this article very helpful on how to activate parental controls on the iTouch/iPhone and block access to YouTube, Google searches, or the web in general.

3) Spot check your child’s phone on occasion. You pay for it and you have the right and responsibility to do so. I have little patience for parents who argue that children have a right to privacy in regard to what they send and receive through their phones and online. One mother recently emailed me and shared that she resisted checking her 14 year-old daughter’s phone out of “respect for her privacy,” but noticed that her daughter was beginning to act out and exhibit some changes in behavior. Upon spot-checking her daughter’s phone, she discovered that her daughter had been sending semi-nude pics to her “boyfriend” at his request. She is grateful that she caught it when she did, but wishes she had checked much sooner. Sometimes as parents, we must protect our children from themselves.

4) Last but not least, PRAY for your children. They are growing up in challenging times. We must do our part to help them “protect and guard their hearts” (Prov. 4:23). Our role as parents is to prepare them to self-monitor their actions, so they can ultimately guard their hearts when they are outside our umbrella of protection. In other words, we can teach them God’s truths, draw appropriate boundaries, and educate them to dangers that exist, but ultimately, it will be up to them to place that hedge of protection around their hearts.

If you happen to live anywhere near The Woodlands, Texas, I will be presenting my “Logged On and Tuned Out” seminar for parents at The Woodlands United Methodist Church on Tuesday evening, October 13th. You can click here for more information.

I found the following article from Newsweek.com regarding new bridal trends rather depressing:

Like a Virgin No More
Why modern brides are opting for racy gowns, wild bachelorette parties and sexy Maxim-style pre-wedding photo shoots.
Jun 4, 2009

Two decades ago, when young girls wondered how brides were supposed to look and behave, they’d most likely conclude—with some prompting from Cinderella—that on their big day they’d be a princess. They’d be blushing, virginal and wrapped from head to toe in tulle and lace.

So why is it that these days, some brides seem to be taking their cues more from Jessica Rabbit than Cinderella? More vamp than virgin, they’re having bachelorette parties that are as raunchy as their fiancés’ sendoffs. They’re selecting cleavage- or lower-back-baring bridal gowns that might get a gasp from conservative relatives. “A big-selling style is a sheer lace corset midriff,” says Millie Martini Bratten, the editor in chief of Brides magazine. “It’s clearly meant to look like you’re seeing through someone’s shirt.” And today’s wife-to-be is hiring photographers for what are called “boudoir shoots,” where they pose Maxim magazine-style in lingerie or nothing at all and give the prints to their grooms—a trend that Bratten says began about three years ago. (Click here to read the remainder of this article.)

The article goes on to cite the trend of cohabitation as a contributing factor to the escalation in bridal trends that seem more centered on lust than love:

Couples are also living together before they get married, of course. About six out of 10 brides check their single lives at the door of a shared apartment years before their wedding day. In response, sociologists say, the sexier dresses and the handoff of pin-up pictures—which was introduced into the wedding prep about three years ago—are ways to add spark to an already-established couple’s sex life and mark the marriage as a monumental life change.

“When a girl left her parents’ house to be married, she was making an enormous transition,” Wallace says. “The wedding celebration was to help her negotiate the change. Now very often there is no functional difference between marriage and living together.” And some of the new emphasis on sexuality is an effort to mark the occasion in a new way.

In 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter, I devote an entire conversation to the topic of marriage and motherhood. As part of the necessary “conversation,” I encourage mothers to candidly discuss the consequences of living together prior to marriage before their daughters leave the nest. Many Christian girls are justifying the decision to live together prior to marriage, some even claiming it is a necessary cost-saving measure in today’s economy. The devaluation of the marriage ceremony is only one consequence of playing house before the wedding. There is a direct link between cohabitation and marital problems on down the road (separation, divorce, infidelity, etc…). We owe it to our daughters to give them all the facts lest they buy into the popular opinion of the day.

How about you? Have you noticed this trend of raunchy bachelorette parties, racy bridal gowns, or one-time “good Christian girls” shacking up before their wedding day? Maybe it’s because I’m in the Bible belt, but I’ve not witnessed the trend of racy bridal gowns at the half a dozen or so weddings I’ve attended over the past couple of years. They have erred on the side of innocent rather than inappropriate. Now, senior prom dresses are another story. I think we’ll save that topic for another day!

Recently, the Wall Street Journal featured an article entitled, “Bringing Up Princess: Turning Girls Into Narcissists.” I read the article with great interest, particularly since I address this trend in my book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter. Here is an excerpt of the article:

For only $44 at Nordstrom, you can dress your toddler in a tank top that declares her to be a “Juicy Couture Princess” — that is, someone whose parents can afford to buy designer shirts that will end up stained with ketchup or jelly. And until recently, numerous Saks stores maintained Club Libby Lu, a spa for 5- to 13-year-old girls offering princess makeovers with tube tops and miniskirts that left girls looking more like Real Housewives than Cinderella.

Call it trickle-down narcissism. Today, even as the economic crisis continues, many middle-class parents aspire to give their daughters the best of everything, “the best” meaning the most expensive. A quick tour around suburbia will show princess-themed bedrooms (the rhinestoned-and-feathered kind, not the cartoon-character kind) and ostentatious birthday parties, as well as pedigreed dogs being toted in designer bags by 10-year-olds. Maintaining a diva daughter has become one more way to one-up the Joneses. (Click here to read the remainder of the article).

In 5 Conversations, I offer a few solutions to help princess-proof your daughter…at least from the type that borders on unhealthy indulgence. Here is a snippet from the chapter “Princess today, royal pain tomorrow” that focuses on raising a Proverbs 31 Princess:

By looking to Proverbs 31, we get an idea of the type of woman (young and old) who is esteemed in the eyes of God. Amazingly, she has a little princess in her, having an affinity for fine linen and purple (a color often associated with royalty). However, when you take a close look at the Proverbs 31 passage, two qualities emerge that fly in the face of the princess mentality. Rather than tell you straight out what those qualities are, let me show you some key verses and see if you can recognize them. As you are reading the following verses, what quality comes to mind?

Verse 13: She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
Verse 14: She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
Verse 16: She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
Verse 17: She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
Verse 18: She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
Verse 19: In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
Verse 22: She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Verse 24: She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

Needless to say, “entitlement” was not a word in the virtuous woman’s vocabulary. Clothed in fine linen or not, this woman was a hard worker who was far more likely to have dirt under her nails than a tiara propped upon her head. Let’s stop for a minute and examine some tangible ways we can instill the value of hard work within our daughters. First of all, we can put our daughters to work around the house and give them regular, age-appropriate chores. From the time my children were very young, they had jobs assigned to them that matched their age level and ability. From about the age of eight, they have been responsible for doing their own laundry. If they run out of clean clothes, they have no one to blame but themselves. In addition, they take rotations doing the dishes and some of the yard work.

Once my children were old enough to work, they are responsible for depositing their paychecks and keeping track of their balance. Some of the money they earn from working is put aside in a savings account, another ten percent is taken out (by them) for a tithe at church, and the rest can be used at their discretion for clothing, electronics, movies, and other outside leisure activities. Once they are in college, they are required to put aside some of their summer earnings to go toward some of their college expenses such as books or outside activities.

Take a look at some other verses in the Proverbs 31 passage and see if you can recognize another critical quality in raising a virtuous young woman.

Verse 15: She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
Verse 20: She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
Verse 27: She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Again, the verses hardly point to a self-indulgent princess who puts her own needs or desires before everyone else. Ironically, the description of the virtuous woman is the very antithesis of the princess attitude our culture breeds today. Children, adolescents, and teens are already prone to thinking life is all about them. Unfortunately, there will be many who grow up and fail to shed the “it’s all about me” attitude. Unless, that is, we help them do so along the way.

I have been personally convicted about my own “inner princess” that often holds me back from getting my hands dirty and feet moving when it comes to serving others. I have confessed to my daughter that far too often I model an attitude that is “too much princess” and “too little servant.” In an effort to put my tiara aside and learn to say “no” to myself when it comes to my own wants and “yes” to others who have true needs, I suggested to my daughter that we sponsor a child together through Compassion International. My daughter chose a little boy from Thailand and we split the monthly sponsorship fee, which amounted to $18 for each of us. I figure I spend that much on my stupid grande vanilla latte habit and she spends at least that much on her shoe habit (my fault on that one, too!).

Expose your daughter to the blessing of serving others in Jesus’ name. If she’s young, volunteer in a soup kitchen or sponsor needy families at Christmastime and take her with you to pick out the gifts. Find a mission trip that is kid-friendly and take her outside her normal comfort zone. The mission trip my church makes to the Texas/Mexico border several times a year allows involvement of families with kids of all ages. Even if it is impossible for you to physically go or financially give at this time, model the importance of praying with your daughter for those who fall into the “needy” category. There is nothing wrong with telling your daughter she’s a princess and treating her like one on occasion. The key will be emphasizing servant-hood above princess-hood. After all, tiaras were never meant to be worn full-time.

What are some steps you are taking to princess-proof you daughter from becoming a full-blown royal pain?

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