By now, you’ve probably heard about the cowardly behavior of Captain Francesco Schettino, who after his cruise ship rammed into a reef off the Tuscan coast, hopped into a lifeboat while frantic passengers struggled to escape the ship. Oh wait, did I say “hopped?” Let me correct that — according to Shettino, he “tripped and fell into a lifeboat.” Yeah, just like when I accidentally “tripped” into the Nordstrom shoe department last week and bought a pair of shoes. I’ll have to remember that one when my husband asks me to identify the mystery purchase on our monthly credit card statement. This guy is clever…real clever. Apparently, before he “tripped” into the lifeboat, he attempted to order dessert in the dining room. Um, okay.Timing seems a bit off to me, given that it was raining down dishes in the galley kitchen at the time. Seriously though, if we learn anything at all from the cowardice of this man, it’s that we need to purposeful in raising our sons to be chivalrous gentlemen.
A recent news account reported that Shettino abandoned ship more than four hours before the last passenger. Four hours. Plenty of time to finish his dessert, while others around him fought for their very lives. In an effort to learn from this tragedy of epic proportions, I want to take a closer look at portions of the exchange that took place between Schettino and a Coast Guard officer while Shettino sat safely on a lifeboat and the passengers on his ship struggled to escape. At one point the Coast Guard officer yells, “You go on board! Is that clear? Do you hear me?” “It is an order. Don’t make any more excuses.” (Translation: “A real man doesn’t make excuses. A real man goes down with the ship, you narcissistic coward!”)
Schettino replied that he was not refusing, but still did not return to the ship, saying at one point: “Do you realize it is dark and here we can’t see anything?” (Translation: “Waaaaaaaagh, waaaaaaaaah! I want my mommy! Quit picking on me and contact the Captain. Oh wait, I AM THE CAPTAIN!”)
De Falco shouted back: “And so what? You want to go home, Schettino? It is dark and you want to go home? Get on that prow of the boat using the pilot ladder and tell me what can be done, how many people there are and what their needs are. Now!” (Translation: “Look, little boy. Apparently, your mother or father never taught you about what it is to be a man, so now I’m forced to teach you and we have precious little time. Lives are at stake, so put on your big boy pants and act like man!”
The exchange came to light after divers pulled the bodies of four men and a woman, all wearing life vests, from the wreckage. Today, the death toll stands at 13 and nearly two dozen people still remain missing. (Read more about the account by clicking here.)
Sadly, the Captain wasn’t the only coward in this story. In another article entitled “Chivalry Sinks under Equality’s Murky Waters,” author Charlotte Hays, makes this point:
When the Costa Concordia cruise liner struck rocks and careened onto its side off the coast of Tuscany, passengers and press alike compared the modern maritime disaster to the sinking of the Titanic.
The comparison has proven unflattering to the captain, crew, and male passengers aboard the Costa Concordia, who in many cases shoved past women — including expectant mothers — and children to save their own sorry skins.
A grandmother recalled for the Daily Mail, “I was standing by the lifeboats and men, big men, were banging into me and knocking the girls.” “Whatever happened to women and children first?” the newspaper queried. What indeed?
The men who behaved badly on the Costa Concordia were cowards, no doubt about it, but they are also products of an age that downplays such erstwhile virtues as chivalry and protectiveness of women. We instinctively recoil from the way they behaved, but there are mitigating factors (I recoil as I write this, but it is true).
There has been a sea change in the way men value women since the Titanic went down almost exactly a hundred years ago, on April 14-15, 1912. That night, in the icy waters off the coast of Newfoundland, men willingly sacrificed their lives for women and children.
The statistics are stunning: eighty percent of the men aboard the Titanic perished, while seventy-four percent of the women survived. It is telling, as Rich Lowry observed in National Review, that more women from third class, located deep in the ship’s bowels, survived than did men from first class. Human nature being what it is, some men might have been tempted to make a dash for the lifeboats, but the crew fired shots to prevent this. As Bob Asman, a TV producer, observed at one of the annual black-tie gatherings held by the Men’s Titanic Society at the Titanic Memorial here in Washington, D.C., it was the “chivalry and gallantry” of the men that saved the women and children. (Click here to read the article.)
As sad as this story is, I can’t say I’m surprised to hear about the despicable behavior displayed by so many of the cowardly men (including Captain Coward, himself) aboard the Costa Concordia. I addressed the lack of chivalry in my book, 5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Son in a chapter entitled “Raising Up a Gentleman.”
The traditional gentleman seems to be a lost and dying breed. The chivalrous, hat-tipping, surrender-your-seat-to-the-ladies brand of gentleman who courted our grandmothers is a long forgotten thing of the past. While I’m not suggesting we retreat back 50 years and start a hat-tipping revival, I do think parents need to be more purposeful when it comes to raising their sons to be gentlemen.
While recently trying on some jeans at a near-by store, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two young women in the dressing room next to me. One of them was sharing a concern with her friend about her boyfriend’s lack of good manners. “He just doesn’t seem to get it. When we first starting going out, he paid for my meals, but now that we’ve been together for six months, sometimes, he expects me to pay! And he’s never once opened a door for me or waited for me to enter a place in front of him. The other day, we were headed into the student center and he walked into the building right in front of me while I was digging in my purse for my student ID and he just let the door close behind him.”
By this time, it was all I could do to keep from screaming, “Dump him, sister! He’s a dud!” As if her plight wasn’t sad enough, wait until you hear her friend’s response! “Yeah, but pretty much no guy opens doors anymore. I mean, I wish they would, but we can’t blame them if they’re not raised that way.” Key statement: If they’re not raised that way. Hmmmm. It certainly inspired me to sit both my boys down in the days that followed and make sure they are behaving like the gentlemen their father and I raised them to be. Clearly, chivalry is on the list of endangered character qualities at risk for extinction.
Chivalry is controversial given the women’s movement and the residue of confusion it left in its wake.* While some women may find it offensive that a man would have the nerve to hold the door for them, the majority of women still welcome the gesture of kindness. (And I doubt that even the radical feminists would dare to complain if they were on a sinking ship and a gentleman offered to give up his seat on the life-boat to one of them.)
Chivalry shouldn’t be reserved for just women. Our sons should be taught to keep an eye out for anyone in need, including children and the elderly and extend a helping hand should the opportunity arise. The wisdom of Luke 6:31 is timeless for every generation: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
Chivalrous gentlemen are made, not born. It’s up to us to teach our sons about chivalry. It begins in the home when they are young and the teaching should continue through the years. Chivalry doesn’t have to sink with the Titanic. It’s up to us, as parents, to keep it afloat.
*Clarification: By “confusion,” I’m referring to a movement that began with the noble purpose of fighting for the equal rights of women (equal pay for equal work, the right to own property, etc.), which I’m sure we all support. Somewhere along the way, the movement was hijacked by a radical handful of women (think Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, etc.) who began to blame the patriarch for the ills of women. Equal treatment was not their goal, but better treatment. As a result, the word “feminist” now has a negative connotation and is typically associated with the more radical form of feminism. I feel a clarification is necessary because I don’t want to imply in any way that my cry for the return of chivalry is only possible if we retreat back to the days where women were treated as second class citizens. I am grateful for the progress that has been made in regard to establishing equal rights for women, but saddened by the fallout that has resulted from the more extreme form of feminism.
When I was a student in undergrad at Texas A&M, I was always pleasantly surprised when I would hop on a full campus bus, only to find almost every male student offering me (and other women) his seat. It was always so refreshing in a world of lost chivalry!
AMEN! I married a true gentleman. If I even so much as attempt to open a door ahead of him, he scolds me for it. Even though we are pushing 50 years old, he still opens the car door for me. I am sure blessed.
Well-said, Vicki.
We have become such a Me-First world. Tempting to get on my soapbox about how parents play into this from the time children are toddlers, but I will refrain. . . . LOL
This is so true. I don’t have boys, but I enjoyed reading your parallels and excerpt from your book. Every parent needs to read this.
Just need to share this with you. It’s a copy and paste I made on my facebook page about a breakfast I shared one day last week with my teenage son. It’s rare that I’ll openly boast on facebook about my children, but this occasion warranted that all my facebook friends know that chivalry is “not dead”, at least in my world:
“Was taken out for breakfast by a charming and kind man. He opened the door to the restaurant for me to enter first, and then he waited at the door, holding it open for an elderly man who was several steps behind us. He pulled out my chair for me, and then he sat down. He removed his hat in the restaurant. He grabbed the check and paid the bill and tip. No, this wasn’t my Dad (though he would do the same) and No, this wasn’t my husband (though he would do the same). Oh, and he is devastatingly handsome.”
Thank you for your post, and allowing me to share my example.
Jeanne
Jeanne, I think there are a lot of moms with daughters who would like to know if your son is single.
What a wonderful and chivalrous young man you have raised!
Just a question for you and the other readers – How much of an effect do you think the feminist movement had to do with the last generation or two of what I call “pansy men?” We went from a lot of “Submit to me woman!” caveman thinking of men in the 50′s and 60′s to the feminist movement (“I am woman, hear me roar. I am your equal regardless of what you think”). I’m trying to piece together in my mind how that changed our young men. It seems those mamas (and good sensible dads) who still believed in chivalry and levels of respectful authority raised some fine sons, so it’s not completely dead, but how many hard core libbers raised disrectful sons in the meantime? Just a thought provoking question for you and the other ladies. I have my opinion but want to hear yours.
I guess we can just call the captain a “feminist”, right? Thanks for sharing and spurring my husband and I to discuss this with our sons (and daughters!).
Over the Christmas break, my friend and I took our kids to lunch. Between us she has 3 girls (ages 13, 10, 9) and I have two girls (ages 11,9) and a boy (age 9 & twin brother to his sis). As we approached the door of the restaurant, my son dashed ahead to open the door for all of us ladies. When the food came, all the kids got their food except his sister. My friend and I were still waiting for their salads, but her girls and my older daughter started eating after we gave thanks. My son sat at the table with his food in front of him not eating. My friend inquired as to whether or not his order was okay. Instead of answering for him, I let him tell her that he “didn’t want to start eating until his sister had her food.” Weeks later, my friend reminded me how impressed she was with him at 9 years old. My husband is raising him right. =)
Over the Christmas break, my friend and I took our kids to lunch. Between us she has 3 girls (ages 13, 10, 9) and I have two girls (ages 11,9) and a boy (age 9 & twin brother to his sis). As we approached the door of the restaurant, my son dashed ahead to open the door for all of us ladies. When the food came, all the kids got their food except his sister. My friend and I were still waiting for our salads, but her girls and my older daughter started eating after we gave thanks. My son sat at the table with his food in front of him not eating. My friend inquired as to whether or not his order was okay. Instead of answering for him, I let him tell her that he “didn’t want to start eating until his sister had her food.” Weeks later, my friend reminded me how impressed she was with him at 9 years old. My husband is raising him right. =) Chivalry is alive and well in our home. (sorry for the duplicate. I hit send too soon.)
One of the teacher’s at my childrens school was on board the Costa Concordia; he acted in a way that made me proud, and proud that he is a role model to my son.
I cannot agree with you more, Vicki. Men are in as much need of training to be gentlemen as girls are to be ladies.
I absolutely agree with what January said above, “men are in as much need of training to be gentlemen as girls are to be ladies”. It seems like BOTH of those facts have a tendency to be forgotten in our society!
Thank you for bodldy encouraging parents of sons in this way. As much as I want to raise my daughters to be ladies, I pray also that they will marry men who have been raised to cherish and respect them as their father does me. As we approach our 20th wedding anniversary, he still opens my door and treats me like his queen.
I recognized even when we were high school sweet hearts (many years ago!) how unique he was, and was completely captivated by his chivalrous ways.
Sadly, working all day with teens can be like a smack in the face (NO-NOT ALL TEENS ARE LIKE THIS) to the loss of good manners. So, why be surprised by adults behaving badly!
Great post!
The wisdom of Luke 6:31 is timeless for every generation: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
I find it comforting that the ancient words of Christ are just as applicable today. And that His teachings should supersede any political or social movement. Thank you for posting this
I often think many fathers (and maybe moms too) are too focused on their sons being the best athletes, best scholars, best…you get the idea. This extreme need to instill competiveness and toughness often takes priority to any type of effort to instill skills of how to be a gentleman. Any efforts to focus on building chivalous behavior may even seem too “soft” to many Dads I assume. However, in the real world, I believe, being overly competitive may get a person that job or award for a time, but having good character and being a gentleman is something that a guy will not have to compete to prove. It is his forever.
It is kind of a double edged sword. If he went down with his ship he would have died. Since he fled he is now known as a coward by the whole world and has the loss of life on his hands. Either way he is screwed for life.
Love this article. Ironically I just finished reading Highest Duty by Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, the pilot who safely landed a commercial plane in the Hudson River. The story is great but the MAN is what makes it so. He is strong man who had the job and the responsibility of taking care of his passengers. The parallels between the two events, the ship sinking and the plane crashing, are easy to see but the way they were handled are so contrasting.
Thank you for your continued encouragement for parents.
A lot of wisdom, common sense, and even Christian spirit in this post. I am concerned about the decline of the chivalrous spirit in men today, from teenaged to middle-aged. One reason is I have a son, and I want him to think Christianly toward women, and another reason is I have two daughters, and want respectful, gracious men for them.
Your insight into the cowardly ship captain and connection to wider attitudes is right on. I think a failure to teach at home and changing social values are two reasons for male cowardliness and lack of proper regard for women. But, I think there are some historical reasons, too. I’m writing about one of them now, and hope to have an essay completed about it in a few months. If you are interested I’ll send you a copy.
In closing, glad to have found your blog (via fb). You are a good writer. And, my wife and I also just had the first wedding of one of our kids – a daughter, in January.
If you get a chance, please visit Family Fountain. wb