“It’s ten p.m. Do you know where your child is?” You might remember hearing this public service announcement that used to air before the local news back in the 1970′s-80′s. The jist of the PSA was to encourage parents to watch over their children and stay engaged in their whereabouts. Some three-plus decades later, the challenge to watch over our children seems insurmountable with the onset of technology. This sobering reality has hit me hard this past few weeks with a couple of wake up calls regarding kids and cell phones with web access.
The first alarm sounded when a dear friend of mine who serves on staff at a private Christian school in Florida shared that a large group of their 3rd grade boys were caught surfing a popular online portal of homemade p*rn during school hours. Stop for a minute and think about that. Eight and nine year-old boys passing around a cell phone or iTouch to each other at the lunch table or on the school bus and getting their first exposure to s*x in the vilest form possible. How will they even begin to process what they have seen and reconcile it with God’s intended purpose for sex? The damage is done and nothing can erase the imagery that has been etched into their minds forever.
The second alarm sounded a couple of weeks ago when an email was sent out to the parents of student athletes at my son’s private Christian school. The Athletic Director wanted to inform parents that some of the athletes had been caught viewing p*rn on their phones (and passing it around) while on the bus ride over to the off-campus athletic fields. He implored parents to sit their sons down and talk about the long-term effects of viewing p*rn. He also went a step further and asked parents to consider disabling web access from their sons’ phones.
I can hear you sighing right now. I’m right there with you. I have been mulling over this post for a couple of weeks now. I don’t particularly like addressing this topic on my blog because when I have done so in the past, it brings out some real shady creepers who land here after a google search for p*rn, particularly p*rn that involves young b*ys. I know that because I get a report which tracks key search words that lead folks to this blog. Which is why I am attempting to code some key words in this post in the hope that the online creepers won’t land here and thus, leave me in a grumpy and fowl mood for days to come.
I also do not care to turn this post into a debate forum with those who embrace a more liberal parenting philosophy and have chosen to turn a blind eye to what their kids are accessing on their phones are computers in the name of “personal freedom.” If you’ve read any of my books, you know I have zero respect for those who embrace buddy-buddy parenting tactics and shower their kids with unlimited gadgets and carte-blanche privileges that come with no boundaries. The truth is, your kids are likely the ones passing around this p*rn filth during school hours. So, please refrain from submitting comments to the effect of “kids will be kids” and “they’re going to find a way to view it, so it’s a losing battle, blah, blah, blah.” That may very well be the case, but do you have to be their accomplice?
I am choosing to post on this topic because I am certain here are some caring, concerned parents out there who A) don’t realize the magnitude of the problem and B) don’t know enough about technology to know if their child even has web access on their phone, iTouch, Nintendo DS, etc… In fact, after getting the two wake-up calls above, I realized that I had overlooked the fact that my own 16 year-old son has an iTouch with the ability to connect to the web via any available wireless connection. He does not have web access on his actual phone because his father and I do not feel it is necessary. Frankly, I don’t understand the need for children to have iPhones and Blackberrys loaded with data packages that include web access. Why even open up that Pandora’s box? Unless they’re running a business out of the garage and fielding offers from venture capitalist firms, why would they need it? They wont’ die if they have to wait to check Facebook and movie times on the home computer.
All that to say, my husband and I sat our boy down last week and discussed the email that went out from the Athletic Director. Hayden has a car and drives himself to practice, so we knew he wasn’t on the bus ride in question. However, I don’t want to be the naive parent who assumes her little angel wouldn’t be tempted to view p*rn, so I used this unfortunate incident as yet another, teachable moment. In fact, the way we have addressed this topic with both Hayden and his older brother is by matter-of-factly acknowledging that it is highly likely they have been exposed to p*rn on some level (a sad truth) and as a reminder, here is why you should not give into the temptation when it comes your way.
We then took some time to remind him about God’s purpose for s*x and the fallout that can occur when it is taken out of the context God intended. We also discussed the objectification of women that is prevalent in culture today and reminded him that God never intended for women to be viewed as mere objects. At that point, we expressed our concern with him having access to the web on his iTouch (albeit, limited access) and the easy accessibility it provides for times when he experiences the temptation to view p*rn. Since he’s 16 and less than two years shy of heading out the door to college, I was torn about whether we should require that Internet browser be removed from his phone, but was relieved when he suggested that we remove it after our conversation. (Instructions can be found below.)
My husband has also encouraged Hayden to meet one-on-one with a trusted Christian friend for spiritual encouragement and accountability and suggested that they specifically check in with each other regarding this particular temptation. Last Wednesday night, Hayden left a little early for his Deep End Bible study group that meets at our local church to meet his good friend, Tanner, at a Christian book store. He later came home with a book they found (on their own!) called Men of the Bible (part of the One Year Bible line). It contains “365 meditations on the character of men and their connection to the living God.” He and Tanner are going to go through the devotional together and meet one-on-one each Saturday. My son is NOT perfect, but I am so proud of him for taking steps to keep his heart in check.
It’s time to start talking to our boys about the fallout associated with viewing p*rn. We can’t afford to bury our heads in the sand and assume our boys would never cave into the temptation. Rare is the boy who won’t cave in, especially when they can gain such easy and instantaneous access. Even if we block access from our their gadgets, there is always going to be someone in their peer group/class/ball team that has a phone with all the bells and whistles. This is why we have to be diligent and helping them connect the dots between their actions and the long-time consequences associated with those actions. I would even go a step further and help them come up with a possible script of what to say when they are invited to look at p*rn on a friend’s phone. Remember, it’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.”
Finally, we have to do our part to draw boundaries in an effort to protect our children. We can’t sit back and wait for cell phone providers to take the initiative to protect our children — it’s OUR job to protect them. In a nutshell, here are our options when it comes to cell phones and web access:
1) Web access is an option on most phones and many cell phone providers even charge an extra monthly fee to access the web. My 21 year-old son does not feel it’s important enough to spend money on this feature and if he can live without it, I imagine your 12 year-old can too! If your child currently has web access as part of the data package you are paying for, consider calling your provider and having it removed. Another feature that is commonly included in many texting packages are unlimited pictures and videos. We had our provider block pictures and videos a couple of years back on our youngest son’s phone, even though they could be sent free of charge as part of the package. It was one less thing to worry about at the time. Now that he’s older, we have reinstated the feature, but do occasional spot checks to ensure he is using it responsibly.
2) If your child has an iTouch, check out this article. Pay careful attention to the information about HidePod (on page 2). It’s a free app that masquerades as a calculator but is actually a hidden vault for p*rn clips. There is a link to the site where you can enter the serial number of your child’s device to see if they have downloaded the app. Also, I found this article very helpful on how to activate parental controls on the iTouch/iPhone and block access to YouTube, Google searches, or the web in general.
3) Spot check your child’s phone on occasion. You pay for it and you have the right and responsibility to do so. I have little patience for parents who argue that children have a right to privacy in regard to what they send and receive through their phones and online. One mother recently emailed me and shared that she resisted checking her 14 year-old daughter’s phone out of “respect for her privacy,” but noticed that her daughter was beginning to act out and exhibit some changes in behavior. Upon spot-checking her daughter’s phone, she discovered that her daughter had been sending semi-nude pics to her “boyfriend” at his request. She is grateful that she caught it when she did, but wishes she had checked much sooner. Sometimes as parents, we must protect our children from themselves.
4) Last but not least, PRAY for your children. They are growing up in challenging times. We must do our part to help them “protect and guard their hearts” (Prov. 4:23). Our role as parents is to prepare them to self-monitor their actions, so they can ultimately guard their hearts when they are outside our umbrella of protection. In other words, we can teach them God’s truths, draw appropriate boundaries, and educate them to dangers that exist, but ultimately, it will be up to them to place that hedge of protection around their hearts.
If you happen to live anywhere near The Woodlands, Texas, I will be presenting my “Logged On and Tuned Out” seminar for parents at The Woodlands United Methodist Church on Tuesday evening, October 13th. You can click here for more information.
My daughter (12) has an i-touch. We’re looking into parental blocks and such that we can put on it. I’m as concerned about the unlimited texting that she has on the itouch as the web access. I’ve started requiring her to leave that and her cell phone (which we’ve always limited texting with) with me when she goes to bed at night.
Parents are slowly getting shoved aside as kids can communicate regularly without a parent even ever knowing about it, and with a device like an itouch, you can’t even pull texting records like you can with a cell phone.
My son has an iTouch. His account to download apps from Itunes is my account – that’s the only way I’d let him have it, even though he bought the Touch with his own money. I get a receipt for everything he downloads, even if it’s free. I read every receipt, collect the money if necessary and ask him about things that seem fishy to me. So far, so good. There are also parental settings on the iTouch and his are enabled.
You can’t be too careful in this day and age.
I’m not a parent, but you might could have just recently heard my shout of Hallelujah here all the way from Nashville.
Vicki – thank you for having the courage to talk about things that many Christians want to ignore! If more of us would stand up, just imagine what a different world we would live in.
You are so right, My Teens went to live with their dads due to rules i had on the cell phones their dad got them, claiming i was invading their privacy and i have had many talks with them, but it bothers me that their dad lets them lose with these phones that have video, picture, and web access that can lead to dangers for teens! Thank you for addressing this issue, i also feel like the phones interupt family time.
I (a 47 year old woman!) was actually shown a pornographic picture by what I thought was a “friend” on her cell phone. She said, “Look at this,” and before I knew it, I was viewing a picture of a nude person! I was shocked and dismayed. (She is no longer a friend.) I did discuss this with my children, who are now 13 (girl) and 11 (son). They do not own phones or Itouches. I’m sure they will in the future. Thank you for helping me to stay on top of this. I will continue to discuss this with them on a regular basis.
Thank you for this post. We recently stopped my daughter’s (15) unlimited texting because it too seems so dangerous. She was having numerous conversations with boys without us even realizing it. If a boy wants to talk to our daughter he should have the nerve enough to call our house and ask for her, and that way we know and are able to talk with her about it/him. It is too sneaky this texting and I don’t think teens NEED this.
Hey Vicky,
Thanks SO much!
I am a mother of a 13 and 11 year old. I have had some occassion to speak to the ladies in my church and have tried to warn them of some of these things. Thanks for doing the leg work. My daughter thinks she is the only teenager in the world that doesn’t have a cell phone and facebook. We just don’t see that she has a need for it right now. And the more I see and read, the less I see the need for it in the future. I just pray that we will have discernment on when to allow these things.
Have read your books and use your info whenever I can share with other mothers!
Thank you so much for braving the current parenting “ideals” to inform us of the Biblical ones, along with practical advice on how to implement them! We all know the truth can be harder to hear, but compared with the consequences of doing nothing, or worse, enabling our children to fall…well, a parent worthy of the title should find it a “no-brainer”! May the Father bless you richly for boldly speaking His truths, and I’m grateful for the church sister who plugged me into you!
I wish you were on facebook. I would love to post this so all my friends have access to it!
This is something that totally needs to be brought up to parents. My husband and I were so proud that our kids cell phones don’t have texting and pictures, we were trying to be proactive, but then we gave our 16 year old daughter an itouch for her birthday. It didn’t even dawn on me about the internet on it, and how she could text and be online at any hour of the night. God promted me one day to take the itouch out of her hand and check what she had been doing on it, which revealed sex texting with a boyfriend. We caught it as it started, and have been through some painful changes because of this. God is faithful and healing her and our minds. We even realized, that we needed to remove her from the public high school and put her in a private Christian school, where she is surrounded by more positive influence! Take it from a Mom who was on the naive side of technology, even good kids are tempted!
Coleen, if you copy the link to this post that is in the url above and paste it in a message box to your friends on Facebook, it will link them directly to the article. Hope that helps!
FYI, parents be aware that if your child has a PSP (handheld portable playstation), they can freely access wireless internet (WiFi). How? Many businesses like McDonald’s and Starbucks advertise free WiFi. Simply sitting in the yard or on the sidewalk outside of a neighbor’s home or business with WiFi gives them unlimited free access. YOU the parent has to educate yourself how to go into the PSP gaming system controls and set up the parameters/limitations of how your child uses this feature. Yes, it’s intimidating and frustrating to know that your 12 yr old knows how to manuever through these hi-tech devices, yet it takes you 15 minutes how to turn it on. But find a friend, neighbor, or store clerk that can help you. Their innocence is on the line!
This issue has reared its ugly head in our home during the last two weeks. My 11 y/o son was caught not once, but twice accessing these sites, on our home computer and on my iPhone. Long talks, various forms of grounding, and locking down computer access at home and on my iphone have happened. My husband took this very seriously and researched all day one Saturday to get a book for my son to read. It is titled “Do Hard Things.” My son has to give us a book report on it before regular TV watching can resume. My concern is to protect his mind and his heart. All the punishment in the world won’t change his heart. I have a family history of s. abuse, directly related to these materials, so it is very important to me. Keep up the good work. Blessings.
As the mom of small children (all boys) this post prompted a mommy to PRAY tonight. I am so glad you shared about your son. It’s encouraging to hear what you shared about he and his friend!! I think in our culture it can be so easy to focus on the “well, they’re not perfect” part and overlook the fact that we serve a mighty God who has the power to protect despite the stats and probabilities. (I’m saying this because I read this post and felt this big temptation to get very fearful and worried.) What a hard balance….keeping our eyes wide open and not burying our heads in the sand…but not freaking out in the meantime!!!
Wanted to mention a resource that I heard about at the D6 conference in Dallas recently. It’s called Every Young Man’s Battle. It’s written by Fred Stoeker. (I hope I’m spelling his last name right.) He shared about staying connected with his kids and how he went about that throughout the teen years. I WISH they had recorded the session because it was so great. I have not read his book, but I so appreciated what he had to say and I felt such hope and encouragement about staying connected with our children whenever they get to the teen years. Thanks for sharing about Hayden!! It’s encouraging to me here in these years where I’m nursing my infant, cleaning up the messes of my toddler, singing with my Kindergartener and playing Battleship with my 1st grader!! 
Boys are often mentioned with the issue of p*rn, but we need to remember that girls are becoming increasingly susceptible to it as well–more than one might think. The effects are just as harmful. Someone may rationalize that these devices wouldn’t be an issue wit a girl. Please rethink that. It is still a problem.
It’s a sad world. Even the good kids are lured into this evil!
Great post. We’ve been open about our kids privacy (they don’t have free run with technology!)….they understand accountability.
We are here to protect them not wreck their lives.
God expects parents to “parent” the children He’s given them. Sometimes…it’s painful! Not doing it? Even more so!
Have have two boys and one is almost to the age where a cell phone will be necessary. And it is because of your posts and articles over the past year that I have become very open about our cell phone and computer usage. They will not have cell phones with txting or pixing capabilities and there will be spot checks. The phone will not be in their rooms at night, it will be stored nightly in my room some where for recharging. Nor will a computer ever be hooked up in their rooms. So THANK YOU for for these posts. I think every parent whether you have a boy or a girl needs to read this. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!
Thank you for such an excellent post! My 11 year old bought his own I Touch. Our stipulation on him getting it was that he’s not allowed to have internet access on it. We told him that’s simply too much temptation for him to have at his fingertips, uncensored. Like another mom, he uses my Itunes account. We actually all share the same Itunes account; my son, my husband, myself, and my daughter. What your download is family business. My children also do not have the password to the account. Anything they want to get has to be passed through me first.
I am shoked at how many young children have unlimited access to the internet through their phones. What are the parents thinking??? My daughter just convinced a girl on her bus to confess to her parents that she had a MySpace account. This child is 10 and has had one for a year. Her parents were furious, did not even speak to her for a while, yet this child had an Iphone for a year and is left home alone every day. You simply cannot give your child free reign of the world and expect them to make the proper adult choices. That’s why they have parents; to teach them and monitor them.
Both of my children received their own e-mail addresses last week. It was prompted by the responsiblity my daughter showed in having not only the girl on the bus, but another friend as well, inform their parents of their MySpace accounts. They’re enjoying checking their mail each day; so I’m trying to find a site that offers a daily devotion via e-mail to kids. Sort of like a P31 for tweens. If anyone knows of one, please share.
Thank you also for the articles on the I-touch. It will be very useful!
Didn’t have time to read all the comments but thank you for this discussion. I refused to get my 9 y.o. the DSi b/c it had internet (not even thinking about p*orn just all the other dangers). Last week my best friend found out that over the summer her 9 y.o. son had seen p*orn on a DSi at a slumber party. It’s everywhere and although we can not buy and allow our kids to have them lots of their friend do have them. Scary stuff.
Hi! Ok, you can get safe eyes from the itunes store. it is a GREAT blocker. BUT you have to deactivate safari. that’s in the settings, under restrictions…
we had to put it on our devices….just to make sure our kids don’t do it by accident. they are little, but hey…they know the interenet better than I do!!!
take care
This is SOOO true and SOO scary.
We have been thanking the Lord for a friend introducing us to a company which created a technology not even AT&T, Sprint, Verizon, or ANY cell company can compete with. It PROTECTS our kids from many online dangers, and YOU are contacted when a “violation” occurs on their cell phone and/or computer. There are statistics on this website you may want to include in your posts and share with your readers: http://MyWebsafety.com/TimVaughn – The videos they post are POWERFUL!!!
May you and your family be protected and safe.
Thanks for this. my kids are too young yet for cell phones (ages 5 and
but I love the topic. I am on the same agreement with you on these things. Don’t mess with temptation. there are plenty of thing, and people waiting to steal our children away, lets not lend them a helping hand by our foolishness as parents.
Thank you for alerting us to this problem. I heard someone once say we need to prepare our children for the road instead of preparing the road for our child. This helps parents be proactive.
We have 2 teenage daughters and are struggling! We have raised them in a Christian home and have had a close relationship. When each was a pre-teen I took them for a special mother/daughter weekend to go through James Dobson’s preparing for adolescence and have spent so much time talking about sexuality, etc for years. My husband followed up with a special dinner and an abstinence ring and has been a very strong dad in their lives. We have software on our computer and limit their cell phone use. We’ve been stuggling recently with our oldest daughter (17) and some of her choices, and then just found out our youngest (14) sent an inappropriate picture of herself to a boy via email. She lied and said she needed the internet for school. It’s too soon to know the ramifications yet, but it could be devastating for her. We’ve taken away the cell phones and blocked the internet use, but what can we do now? We have tried so hard and feel betrayed and wonder how did we fail? I feel like there are so many things out there now that you cannot control. You really don’t know what their friends do and say and what they are exposed to when they are outside of your home. All we can do is cry out to God to touch their hearts and show them the right way and do the best we can – please pray for this generation!
My 13 year old daughther has a cell phone however she is unable to take pictures or access the web. Does this drive her crazy? Absolutely. But since I am the one who pays the bill, I have should have control of her ability to access the web or receive pictures which may or may not be explicit. Parents need to take more time to think about what these “luxuries” are allowing our kids to take part in. Thanks for the post.
Vicky-
Thank you so much for this post, and your ministry. My oldest daughter got a copy of Between for her birthday and bought another with her own money. She loved it! Thanks for offering something valuable and interesting for her to read! Also, thanks for the information about gadets, etc. This is not a problem for us yet, but I want to stay informed!
This is something that came up by surprise from our 20 year old son. We have been diligent in placing guards on our computer — both home and laptop, with BSafe and Covenant Eyes. We never even thought about the iTouch. About 6 months after receiving his iTouch, he came to us with an extremely repentant heart and admitted to visiting inappropriate websites on it. He asked if he could sell it back to us and not have the temptation around. Of course, we were willing to do this, and so proud of him to admit his sin, but heartbroken at the stuff he exposed himself to.
Another thing to be careful of is satellite radio. Our 18 year old son just told us that while he was out riding in his friend’s car with church going buddies, his friend came across the Playboy radio station and kept it there. Satellite radio is not something I ever would have thought about having to worry about as far as exposing our boys to Playboy. So beware and be diligent and PRAY for your kids purity.
Like so many others, I’d like to thank you for getting this information out to parents, and I hope that even those who have raised their kids in strong Christian homes know that no child is immune to this. I am not a parent, but recently married a man who had previously been in bondage to p*rnography (and many other temptations that flow from that) for years on end – from 6th/7th grade until his senior year of high school. This man was a strong Christian, seeking the Lord daily. He tried many times to be free of this bondage, but until recently always found himself going back to it – even when he didn’t want to (Romans 7). No one in the youth group would have believed it if he had told them, because he was always seen as so strong and wise in the Lord – and indeed he was, but that does not mean he was infallible. He never had much of a relationship with his dad or stepdad, and his mom never spoke to him about any of it – perhaps she too thought that it wasn’t necessary because he was such a “good” Christian boy. But I can testify to the years of damage this did to the man who is now my husband – and to me as his wife. It has been unbearably painful at times, and I find myself constantly fighting not to compare myself with others or wonder where his eyes are (even though I know he is honest with me).
My prayer is that other mothers would not believe that their sons will never fall, no matter how much he is looked up to even in church – because one day they will have to open up to the women they marry, and it is much more painful to have to recount and work through that damage than it ever would be to just have restricted internet or phone access.